The Weight of Regret

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All of us, more or less, entertain the idea that there are certain people who will stay by us forever. The rueful fact is, they won’t. Like when Axl Rose sang in the nine minute masterpiece named November Rain, nothing lasts forever. I’ve seen hearts change as swiftly as it can. The ones which held so much regard for me, have gone cold. Too cold to the touch, building shields I can’t break to feel the warmth again. 


I wouldn’t say it wasn’t my fault. To err is to be human. With my flaws and limits, I’ve hurt people, even when I didn’t mean to. The sense of guilt swallowed me whole, and apologies were in order. When they were long overdue. 


Even with my sincere sorrys, I couldn’t melt their hearts. As if they were ready to cut me off at my slipping up, which has been a recurring event. Far too many times than I can actually admit without shame. 


I might not be the most pleasant person to be around, but don’t I deserve a chance to redeem myself? Am I really that bad? 


These sort of thoughts plague me as I tread through the memory lane of people I’ve met, loved and genuinely would do anything for. Lots of faces which brightened my day more than the sun over our heads, darkening as they turned and left. I pushed them away. I brought this on myself and now I’m surrounded by an unending winter. 


All I wanted is to not be misunderstood. That I can be a better person for them, to them.


I spiral more and more everyday at the loss of love. I want to reach out, but I can’t. If I hold out a hand for the other to not do it, it’s utterly hopeless. 


I am utterly hopeless. 
I'm 25 and awkward. Dreaming big so if it breaks, the pieces are in thousands.

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